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:iconfoxdapple101:
Ashes asked me to do this, and of course I couldn't refuse since I don't ever critique. However, I'm going to be completely honest here, and you can feel free to think I'm being unfair if you want, I suppose.

You have a serious problem with sentence fragments. For example:
"A shadow at the most."
"Especially coming from this boy she has known for two days."
"His own sister."
And there are many more.

There are also quite a few comma mistakes, such as:
"strong dominant" (where there should be a comma between the adjectives)
"Miku started, but never finished her answer." (where there should not because the second clause has no subject)
There were several cases of both.

Another thing you need to look out for is repetition. The first section in particular was almsot painful to read because of how many times you repeated "them" and "It".

And "It dropped from It's tree" made me stop for a moment. The word in bold, It's, should be Its because it is possessive, whereas "It's" would be "It is", and I highly doubt you intend for It to be a tree (not that the sentence would make sense even if it was intentional).

Something else you should take note on is where commas fit in with quotes and dialogue. Every single piece of dialogue, except for when the dialogue cuts off, should end in either a period, comma, or other form of punctuation. You did that correctly a few times, but most of what I saw just ended without puncuation, as is the case here:
"'You haven't answered my question, dear'"

One thing I really liked in this was this sentence here:
"Wind blew and screamed through her bedroom as her curtains danced and twirled along with the rhythm of the wind's howling."
I think it is a very powerful sentence, if not a bit awkward, and, unfortunately, it was one of the only things I thought this particular piece has that constitutes as "good".

I do think this has potential, but it requires a lot of work.
8 out of 8 deviants thought this was fair.

Comments


:iconthorneddream:
ThornedDream Dec 29, 2012  Hobbyist Artist
Thank you very much for the grammatical support. I HAVE been told in the past that my grammar has flaws, but I have never been told what specifically is wrong with it. Thanks for guiding me through that.

However, I'm gonna rate this unfair for two reasons: tone and purpose.

Your tone wasn't the most charming, that's for sure.
While the information you gave was very helpful, in was said in a very blunt and critical way. I do believe this critique could have been both helpful AND pleasant to read. However, I couldn't help but frown while reading this.

Your purpose is also very very VERY upsetting. I want a critique from someone I know, who has read my entire story, and who will be able to reason with me. NOT from someone who's friend sent them to criticize me instead of doing so herself. This MAY not be the case, but from the way it sounds, it's possible you two were gossiping about me
(something Ashes is known to do) and wanted to find a way to criticize me.

Change your tone and purpose, then I'll take your critique seriously.
Reply
:iconfoxdapple101:
You may have seen my tone as critical and rude, but I was not intending it to be that way. I am a blunt person by nature. I don't lie, and I don't sugarcoat. If I had received this critique I would appreciate it, whether or not the person giving it was charming in their tone or not.

And part of a critique, on this site and in the real world, is not necessarily knowing who the person is and still trying to understand where they come from with their criticism. For the record, Ashes and I were not gossiping. She asked me to critique, and I did so. I would think you would be happy to find a bit of constructive criticism in your inbox (or perhaps that's just me). And if you just want people you personally know to critique your work, don't request a critique. It's pointless to do so if you don't actually want anyone to be helpful.

If you don't want people to criticize you, don't be a writer. There are a lot of fields of work that are very critical, and writing is one of them. I'm getting the sense that you can't take this seriously because you don't want to have real help and only want someone to give you compliments, but that's not how writing works, that's not how life works, and that's not how I work.

I was trying to be helpful, but if you want to take it as rude, unpleasant, and "not the most charming," then do so, I suppose. However, if you ever want a real critique by someone who can actually help you improve rather than make you think you're perfect, I will be here.
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:iconkokoblu:
Kokoblu Dec 29, 2012  Student Filmographer
Damn, Raven that was very awesome~!...OwO harsh but yet amazing woman.
Reply
:iconfoxdapple101:
... 8u Well hi there
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